When I was a wee lass my sister and I wanted a playhouse as our den so that we could play “life in Alaska”–a game we made up wherein we would pretend we were snowed in and play tons of board games. And by board games I mean set up a monopoly board, get board and then start throwing houses and hotels at each other. But I digress. One day our parents listened to our years of nagging and bought us a playhouse. It was a dream come true… for about ten minutes. As it turns out we barely went in the house. It made a nice shelter from the elements and it’s thin walls with the odd gap here and there meant that it was a breeding ground for spiders and creepy crawlies. I can remember on many occasions exiting the house while yelling “Dad, Dad, spider!” One time I was in the house on my own when I was attacked viciously. I used to keep a deck of animal snap over one of the window panes for safe keeping, ya know, to play “life in Alaska”. I can remember just casually singing the gibberish I did back then, when I thought it would be cool to sort out the packet of animal snap. I reached up to grab the animal snap when I felt a gentle patter on my skin. My first reaction was to look up at the window pane to find a cluster of fat, spiders with brown and black pattered abdomens. Naturally I freaked the fudge out.
Eventually the house was dismantled and a fear of spiders really took root in my life. Some spiders–and by some I mean the little money spiders–are all right, I guess. But I find most spiders scary. All right, all right, most spiders scare the poop out of me.
Throughout the many years from then to now I have had many altercations with spiders. However, the most prominent encounter happened a few days ago. I was in my room having a tidy when my sister shouted up the stairs asking me to go to the garden. After several minutes I launched my ass and made my way downstairs. “Check this out” my sister said while pointing at the shed door. There on the door was possibly the biggest, scariest spider I have ever seen. This spider was literally the size of my hand. Naturally I entered a frenzy of dancing around the garden yelling “ewwww”, “is it on me?” and “gross”. Eventually I calmed myself down. I had just composed myself when I felt something on my leg. I let out a strange distorted cry of terror to find that it was just my cat Jub Jub after some affection. I calm myself down once again and begin to think about the situation seriously. The big question was, what were we going to do with this spider? We had heard stories of exotic poisonous spiders hitching rides from different continents in cargo boxes full of bananas. What if this spider was poisonous?
After some time of staring at the spider to make sure it didn’t make a break for it, we devised a plan. My sister would poke the spider from out behind the shed hinge and onto the patio. I would then grab the peg basket (AKA an old celebrations tub) and trap the spider in it. We would then wait until Dad visited later that day to see the spider off our premise. Unfortunately this is not the way things panned out. My sister grabbed the stick, only the stick nudged the door forward. The shed is built on a slight incline so gravity worked its magic. The door slammed and the spider got caught between the door and the shed. Goodnight spider.
It was a brutal and tragic end to the spider. I don’t like killing any sort of bug no matter how scary it is, but as much as I hate to admit it, I immediately felt much more safer. Will I be going into the shed any time soon? God no. Do I look like a crazy person? Well you can’t see me because this is just an article but I don’t. (Least I don’t think I do.) Before the spiders untimely death though, my sister managed to sneak a picture of the little guy, well the big guy. Right next to the spider we noticed that there was a baby spider. On fathoming this out, the relief I once felt was just a distant memory of a happiness long forgotten. I have a bad feeling that this baby spider might have plans to avenge its friends death. It’s no wonder I can’t seem to get to sleep at night any more.